This Mother's Day was one filled with so many emotions for me and one that I will remember forever. Waking up to the sound of my son softly cooing in his crib and walking in to see his smiling face and tiny arms reaching up to me is something I love every morning but this day seemed exceptionally special. It still seems surreal that I'm a mama this Mother's Day when so many before this were so painful and empty. I think the years of waiting have made being a mom that much more amazing. I can honestly say that I love every single part of being a mama, the stinky nasty parts, the giggly snugly parts and everything in between, there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for the gift of our amazing son Tobias.
During worship today at church the Lord reminded me of a season I was in over a year ago that was very difficult and filled with searching questions and important answers. I remember during the prayer time after a sermon at church about worship and idolatry the Lord asked me a simple but incredibly stinging question "If I never blessed you with a baby, never allowed you to be a mom would you still worship me?" "Would you live your life as a joy set before you in full confidence that My plan for you is the best and if it would bring Me glory for you to be childless, would you live your life for Me with a heart overflowing with joy".
I wish I could say that I answered that question with an immediate and hearty "Yes Lord of course!" but that was not the case. I really had to search my heart and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal my true motivation for love, service and devotion to Jesus. Was I serving Him because I thought it would be in my best interest and that if I worked hard enough or prayed long enough He would give me what I wanted? Was I holding this unanswered prayer of a baby hostage to Him and saying "Lord, I need you to do this in order for me to fully love and serve you, if you don't give me a baby I just don't know where we will stand?" There were times when those questions were in my heart but by God's sufficient grace He finally allowed me to lay my request at His feet and leave it there, in full confidence that no matter what His answer was, He was in control and I would love, serve and follow Him joyfully no matter what. It was a pivotal shift in my view of God's sovereignty and grace and my response in worship and devotion to Him. I'm so grateful for that time of raw, wrestling, angry and difficult conversations with God because through them He was able to show me more of His glory and love than I thought possible.
Thanks be to God that His answer was YES and that shortly after I had let the "need" for a baby go into His hands He put a heart for adoption in Mark and I and within just a few short months we were holding our son. Jesus continues to write His story of redemption, grace and goodness all over our lives and I know that no matter what happens along this journey, He is my Savior, my first love and my all in all.
Thank you Lord for my son, for my husband, for this life of beauty so undeserved!
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