I watched Juno

It is a beautiful movie, very funny, great acting, and nice to see young talent in movies who make you feel rather than make crude jokes and do drugs. I recommend this move.
Before I went into the movie I got a call from my mom. She was asking me what my thoughts were on adoption, if i had thought about it for Kendra and I, and if I hadn't, to pray about it. If you are reading this asking yourself why I would be talking about adoption let me splain.

Kendra and I have been trying to get pregnant for three or four years now. Just until the past year we just thought we weren't going about it the right way, it wasn't the right time of month, or i had been drinking to much mountain dew. Things of that nature. We decided to each get a physical from a doctor to maybe see if our parts were working up to par starting with me. I had a bad test the first time, a horrible experience that i have posted about before. Then a month later I went back in to re-test, this time i studied, and i had a miraculous change of results. With this new found vigor we started the path of getting Kendra checked out. She has a regular cycle each month but as we have found out that means nothing. She is healthy, beautiful, and in her exams they have found nothing wrong. There was another test they had to do and that involved injecting a dye into her fallopian tubes and watch the path it takes from her ovaries to her uterus. I sat in the doctors office waiting room, pretending to read magazines and watch the t.v. I wasn't aloud to go into the exam room because they were using x-ray equipment to fallow the dye down the path. I paced the hall, stopping any doctor/nurse/lab tech/ i could and asked how things were going, can i go in, when can i see my wife. As one doctor left the room Kendra was in I could see her lying on the table, with another doctor bedside, I could make out the sound of her crying as the doc explained what was happening on the screen at the end of the table. "I'm sorry but we cant let you in because of the x-rays" were word that I couldn't bear to listen to. Were they hurting her? What were the words coming out of the doctors mouth and why did i want to punch her so bad for making my wife cry? Kendra came out and we sat in waiting for a few min before they called us in to go over the results. I found out that they weren't hurting her physically, but our emotions were about to go through hell. They found that her tubes failed to make the path from point a to point b. The dye didn't enter her uterus like it is supposed to, but instead stopped. Just stopped. After some discussion we found the reason behind the blockage. When Kendra was 16 her appendix burst. She stayed home thinking it was a flu or food poisoning for a week. As things progressed and got worse she went to the hospital and was admitted before finishing the paperwork. The doctors couldn't believe she was conscious, or even alive. They put her on a major antibiotic, it was actually a form of kemo or radiation they use for cancer, to fight the infection. Since she had made it this far with the burst appendix in her they didnt want to do surgery and risk spreading the infection even more, so they left it.

The doctor told us it was the first time he had heard of a burst not being surgically repaired. Because of the severity of the infection, scar tissue formed inside her abdomen. That scar tissue has formed around her fallopian tubes pulling them away from her uterus, thus breaking the chain of life. He was even concerned about doing a surgery to repair or even explore her abdomen. He fears that even the first cut to open her up might cut into her intestines or other organs that have been moved because of the scarring. Not to mention the fact that such a surgery wouldn't even be covered by insurance because of the fact that its not a "medical or life threatening" procedure it falls under a fertility procedure. He explained that invetro was still an option because her reproductive system, all though not complete, was doing everything right. Still an option but again not covered. I know it is expensive to have children but out of the gate we would pony up 10,000 for a 95% chance. A good chance for sure, I would take those odds any day, and still might.

I know in my heart that I will have children of my own, that my daughter Faith is going to look like her beautiful mother, and I will get to feel her kick and listen to her heart beat inside K. Adoption is something that I haven't thought about all that much because I am hanging on to hope and faith that the promise I have in my heart about my children will come to pass. I know adoption isn't a "fall back plan", adoption is a wonderful life saver for the abandoned and neglected generation of today. I feel it is the place of the Church to rise up and raise these children. Do I feel its the thing for me? I see my wife pregnant, i see the doctor smile as we see our baby in the ultrasound, i feel her kick. It's a reality to me, the hope is fed by faith. Are we going to do invetro? Kendra and I have talked about it a few times but not at length. Do i feel like i am giving up for considering it? Yes. I feel like i am selling God short, selling my faith for 10,000, just to have a child. Is that from God. No.

I liked this movie a lot. It was funny, i related to a few of the characters in the story. But as it ended I realized that I was still alive, still breathing, and I realized my heart was breaking. As we walked out of the movie K asked me if i liked the movie. I was silent because forming words would have made me weep, awkward for a lobby full of teens. As we walked to the car I thought about the pain in my chest, the hope, the waiting. I broke down as i reached the car, wept like I haven't wept in a while. I remembered. "Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick." And I felt my heart breaking. The pain of this experience had been forgotten, no not forgotten it had been there all along, just managed. Our friends and family are having more children, some of them are having there second or even third since we have been trying. They tip toe around K and I not wanting to hurt us by telling us their wonderful news, I don't want them to feel that way but i understand, they have seen our struggle and have seen our emotion. I don't blame them for having more, blame isn't even a word I should use. I am happy for them, to see their families grow. The Lord tells us to be fruitful and multiply. The funny thing is K and I were never good at math. But we hang onto the promise and the word. Thank you for loving us through this. We love all of you and cant wait to one day tell you our good news. With all my heart I love you, as much as it hurts right now.